I can’t do this anymore. I mean, I can, I know I can, and I will, but today, and yesterday, and several moments of several other days I can’t and I don’t want to.
I am flying back home on Tuesday to spend three days with a company I want to apprentice with next season. A few days ago, I felt capable of anything with my movement. I was proud of how much I have improved, how far I have come, how much I have learned and explored for myself. This week, I feel like shit. I can’t get my legs above 90 degrees. I can’t turn. I can’t balance. There is no artistry in my work. There is no individuality, no exploration, no sensation, texture, feeling, nothing unique, personal. Where is my spiral? Where is the intention? The presence? I’m just making shapes, if that. Didn’t even feel like I was making good shapes today. And I acted like an immature, sulky 13 year old in one of my classes. Grow up. JUST FUCKING GROW UP.
I need to be confident when I go take class next week. And why am I making such a big deal about this? (Because it matters a lot to me. Because I want it. Because I want recognition. Because I want something. I want a reward. I want acceptance. I want to be wanted, desired.) I was on a high when I got the email. I’m going to be nervous before, during, and probably after. Ok. Accepted. But why am I there? I am there to show them how I work. No. I am not there to show them anything. I am there to give myself a new experience. To give myself an opportunity to work in a new environment. To learn something new. To challenge my fears. To learn some new choreography and movement, to PLAY. To HAVE FUN. To DANCE. You’re going there to dance. Forget about everything else and dance. You know you can do this. You can dance. You are capable of doing this.
I also feel fat. I feel chunky, chubby, puffy, flabby. I have been going fairly consistently to the gym since mid January. People have told me my arms are more defined. One person (ex boyfriend) told me I had put on muscle. I didn’t want to put on muscle, I wanted to tone up. I realize I probably have put on muscle, but now I see my arms are huge. HUGE. Fucking huge. Thick, squishy. And despite doing a lot of abdominal work, outside of just dancing, with weights, and seeing an improvement in the beginning, I feel it is all now hidden underneath the flub that is called my body. I feel so fat. Yet how can I be fat when two weeks ago I felt great? I had awesome definition in my body. Have I really changed all that much in two weeks or is it just my head, like it usually is?
I want to see veins. I want to be small. I want to be the size I was six years ago. I want to be 92lbs, not 124lbs. I want to be underweight. I want people to stare at me and comment. I want stick legs and stick arms. I don’t care if I’m cold all the time and my hands are purple. I don’t care. I want just skin and muscle and bone.
I’ve been eating too much. I know I have. I don’t have a healthy relationship with food or with my body anymore. I am too obsessed with carbohydrates, sugar, salt. I have 1/3 cup ground turkey, some non-dairy cheese, and kale in the mornings, plus unsweetened cocoa powder, stevia, and hot water. Then the rest of the day varies. But I start off well. I have become addicted to tortilla chips. I used to be able to not eat any carbs at all — no chips, no rice, no quinoa. That’s a lie. I ate cereal. Nature’s Path Mesa Sunrise. A lot of cereal. And rice cakes. But that was it. Now I go crazy and crave tortilla chips, I’ll buy them and then I’ll eat half the bag in one sitting. I think I’ve begun to binge. And nut butters. Fuck. I’ve always loved nut butters, any kind, and I’ve always eaten them really fast; 1 jar 2 days. Literally. But I cannot control it. I’ve stolen from my roommate’s jars before, scraping carefully so that they can’t tell I’ve taken any. Nut butters. Tortilla chips. Hummous spoonful after spoonful. Dried fruit. Nuts. Sugar. Chocolate. Granola. I am never satisfied. I don’t even know what I want. I just want to be full. To feel satisfied but I don’t know how to do that anymore. I eat when I’m not hungry. I eat past being full. I cannot control it. All I ever want to do is eat and it’s working against me because I want to be thin. I was thinner last year, I swear. Why am I bigger? Why am I gaining weight? I know why I’m gaining weight, it’s pointless to ask why. I’m becoming more obsessed and focused on food and body image, which then when I restrict certain things makes me want to eat them even more to the point I can’t control it. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared to just eat normally again but I don’t even know what that means to me anymore. How do you eat normally while still trying to lower body fat percentage to show more muscle tone?
No sugar. Increases inflammation in the body and body fat.
No dairy. Increases inflammation in the body.
No carbs/less grains. Increases puffiness in body.
Less nut butter. Too much fat.
More vegetables. I AM TIRED OF FUCKING VEGETABLES.
Fruit. There is so much sugar in it. But I need something.
Chocolate. Tortilla chips. Rice. Indian food. Pizza. Fuck. ANYTHING. I just want to feel full of something. I don’t know what I want.
I am lonely yet I only want to be alone. When someone wants to make plans with me I get anxious and scared and feel trapped. So I back out and come home alone.