Listen to this.
It’s nearly 20 minutes long but it spoke to me today and it might speak to you too.
Going into the medicine/health field isn’t even a Plan B, it is merely a thought of a Plan B. And it’s definitely not Plan A. However, there is always, always has been, this thought of ‘when dance is over’ and ‘am I really a dancer’ ‘am I cut out for this’ ‘planning for the future’ ‘being serious’. Part of those are just silly fears and doubts and they must be cast as such and left alone. But the part about ‘being serious’ and getting a ‘real job’ is worrying to me. It’s important to me — the financial security that a ‘real job’ (again, this is somewhat generalized as no job really has financial security, merely some jobs do more than others) gives you. I realize that my thought that dance is not a real job, in whatever aspect it gives me income — teaching, dancing, what have you — comes largely from what I think is my father’s perspective which has influenced me. And as much as I do think it is legitimate and possible, I don’t feel very legit, professional, adult doing what I do. Although perhaps that is because I am not paid for what I do. But would that thought change were I to be paid?
Having a family, giving my kids a good life in an expensive world, planning for retirement, having savings, caring for my parents when they need it many many years down the road, not worrying about money, that is so important to me. Until now I have been overly lucky. Still am. I have been taken care of financially by my parents, by friends, by strangers. I’ve never been in debt. I’ve never been poor. But that won’t last forever. It’s fine when it’s just me but if there were kids involved, if I wanted to do more than I frugally do, I would need more sufficiency. Which a ‘real job’ would give me. Or so I have myself believing.
I wonder how much of dance is chasing a dream, doing what I am meant to do, need to do, or a frivolous activity a little girl is doing in her un-real world, if really I am terrible and never going to have a job in a company, if people have lied to me. Again, silly little doubts and thoughts largely I believe. But there. I suppose that’s human.
Just keep going.